The Turdy Pond

New Haven, Connecticut's premier source for quality reading material and emergency toilet paper since 2010.

Now available worldwide via a series of tubes.

Anonymous said: why the fuck is every senior on campus applying to Bain. go to med school please

yalerumpus:

are those really the only options anymore, playing w/ other people’s money or playing with other people’s bodies?

is this the crisis of post-modernity?

you have to choose between Monopoly and Operation after 4 years of Trivial Pursuit?

fuck that, man—we’re all about Candyland

Finance or medicine? Truly this generation’s greatest crisis.

I thought for a moment that I had forgotten my dad’s birthday.

I realized it is in May, not April.

Then realized that the inevitability of his aging

would provide no similar panic;

there will be no momentary belief

that what has come came sooner than I’d expected. 

worldweliveinshow:

An unfortunately named aspiring actor,on being an aspiring actor, and King Lear

Welcome to the Show!!!

worldweliveinshow:

Howdy there! It’s me Nick Grunerud, and this is the Website for

THE WORLD WE LIVE IN

…Which is a public access show in New Haven. It stars one of my, I guess you could say friends, Peter Cunningham who helps write all of the sketches with me.

Other people help me, but it’s really all me…

Anyway, this is where you will see updates and essays, and sketches, and a plethora of other content….

It’s…THE WORLD WE LIVE IN

THE TURDY POND’S HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE QUIZ

HOLIDAY GREETINGS TO ALL! 

Now that Thanksgiving has left us, the turkey and mashed miscellany disposed of via a series of tubes, it is time for us once again to prepare of the onslaught of Christmas gift season. How many people are on your list? Fifty? Twelve? A HUNDRED?! NO MATTER! 

deciding what to get FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES for holiday gifts can be daunting. BUT WE’VE MADE IT EASIER!

here’s how: 

It is well-established that any and all people fit into one of ten different archetypes. (nerd, hippie, complete stranger, etc.) If you are having trouble deciding what to get a FRIEND or LOVED ONE: simply take the test linked below, answering best the questions provided with that person in mind. the test will establish WHICH ARCHETYPE your person fits into, and offer gift suggestions accordingly. 

http://share.snacktools.com/5FDCFABA9F7/qu98ras9

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY SHOPPING!!!

-Dexter Ellsworth, editor and Holiday guru

CELEBRITIES WITHOUT MAKEUP

having been given a gift certificate for 10 free photos from a prominent paparazzo for a recent birthday, here is a series of candid photos of famous celebrities NOT WEARING THEIR MAKEUP!!!!! 

more hard-hitting journalism to follow.

-DEXTER ELLSWORTH, editor, TABLOID SCUM

jessica alba

JESSICA ALBA in Beverly Hills, 10/15/2012

emily blunt

EMILY BLUNT shopping in Aspen, 11/13/2012

blake lively

BLAKE LIVELY in Manhattan 11/01/2012

sienna miller

SIENNA MILLER in Los Angeles, 11/06/2012

anne hathaway

ANNE HATHAWAY in Los Angeles, October 14, 2012

condoleeza rice

CONDOLEEZZA RICE in Washington D.C., 11/05/2012

KATE WINSLET in London, 11/01/2012

 

REBECCA LOBO in Hartford, 11/04/2012

BROOKE SHIELDS in Manhattan, 10/29/2012

DREW BARRYMORE in Beverly Hills, 11/10/2012

My God—it’s full of stars!

Roy Scheider, at the premier of 2010: The Year We Make Contact

A Turdy Pond Exclusive: The New Haven Lich Speaks on the Lincoln Oak Bones

SALUTATIONS DEAR READERS! 

We have much to discuss!

Just the Beginning

Earlier this week two skeletons were unearthed from beneath a Lincoln Oak on the Green by Hurricane Sandy. Furthermore, this is Halloween Week and today is All Souls’ Day and the Day of the Dead - in light of these facts it seemed only natural to speak once more with an old friend of THE TURDY POND: Mr. NIGHTRAVEN MURDERCLAW, the centuries-old Lich who resides beneath the Green. He is a harbinger of unspeakable Doom, and we spoke to him earlier in the year about Occupy.  

—————

TURDY POND: How are you, Nightraven?

NIGHTRAVEN MURDERCLAW: I AM AS I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN, SINCE MY ESSENCE WAS TRANSMUTED FROM THE PUNY SPECTRE ENCASED IN FLESH YOU CALL A SOUL INTO WHAT I AM NOW. WHAT I AM NOW IS WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN, EVEN BEFORE I WAS CHANGED. TIME IS NOT LINEAR, MORTAL. I AM AS I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN. IF YOU MUST ASK YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND. 

TP: Well, you seem to be contradicting yourself a bit, but okay. Great. At least you’re talking. 

NrMc: YET YOU DO NOT LISTEN.

TP: I’m going to change the subject.  As you’re no doubt aware, two skeletons were unearthed on the New Haven Green earlier this week by “Superstorm” Sandy’s toppling of a tree. We all know that the Green was once a burial ground, so it seems as though this was just a freak occurrence. Bodies are down there, and it seems only natural that a couple could get tangled up in - 

NrMc: WERE I CAPABLE OF LAUGHING, HUMAN, I WOULD BESEECH YOU NOT TO MAKE ME DO SO. 

TP: So then am I to understand there’s more here than meets the eye? 

NrMc: HAVE YOU LISTENED TO NOTHING I’VE TOLD YOU? HAVE YOU NOT EARS? HAVE YOU NO APPREHENSION? WHAT MEETS YOUR EYE IS LESS THAN COULD SATE A FLEA’S HUNGER. BEHIND EVERY SURFACE BRIMS TRUTHS AND REALITIES YOU CANNOT FATHOM. 

TP: But what of the bones? 

NrMc: I HAVE TOLD YOU. 

TP: What? 

NrMc: MY MASTER BIDS MY PRESENCE. 

TP: But we’re right in the middle of an interview, Mr. Murderclaw! 

NrMc: VERY WELL. YOU MAY JOIN ME. ASK YOUR QUESTIONS AS WE TRAVEL. 

TP: What? 

it was at this point that i understood. the lich took me with him. i felt myself leave my body, and when i was lost from it i felt it die as if by some unknown sense. i felt myself in the presence of the lich, though i could not see or hear or feel. i knew only suffering and an abstract sense of movement. i could not know it the way i know our world, but after what seemed like weeks i knew we had arrived in his realm. i knew. he spoke with his master then, who bid him do awful things, things i shall never repeat. oh god. oh god. oh god. i shall never repeat them, but i will not need to. the rest of the interview as follows took place via a grotesque telepathy on our journey. redacted are my wails. after his master was finished with him (why he did not torture or obliterate me confounds me; could it be that murderclaw protected me from his master?) i felt myself thrust back into my flesh. the lich was gone. the M*A*S*H that had been on in the background while we spoke before our journey indicated that only moments had passed. his reward sat congealing in a paper bag. 

NrMc: I HAVE TOLD YOU IN THE PAST, MORTAL, THAT THE DEAD SHALL BE RAISED. THIS IS THE BEGINNING. THE BONES UNEARTHED BY THE WHIPPING AETHER ARE ONLY THE BEGINNING. THE DEAD SHALL BE RAISED. THE LIVING WILL BE BURNT TO CINDER. 

TP: Where are we? 

NrMc: YOU WOULD NOT LISTEN SO I AM DEMONSTRATING. THE BONES ARE THE BEGINNING ON YOUR PLANE, BUT WE HAVE BEEN PREPARING FOR EONS. MY MASTER SEEKS MY PRESENCE TO MAKE FINAL ARRANGEMENT FOR YOUR WORLD’S END. YOUR WORLD’S END AND THE ASCENDANCE OF MINE. OF OURS. 

TP: Who is your master? Is it Satan? The Morningstar?

NrMc: THE MORNINGSTAR IS A FICTION. MY MASTER IS UNKNOWN TO YOU. YOU SHALL KNOW HIM SOON. ALL OF YOUR KIND SHALL KNOW HIM. 

TP: See, I’m seeing a contradiction here again. Before you said that linear time is an illusion, that you are as you have always been, and taking that for granted, isn’t your speak of prophecy and imminence a bit moot? If things are as they always have been, aren’t they what they always will be? How can something come to pass if all of time is a singularity? How is it that the dead “shall” be raised? How is it that I “shall” know your master?

NrMc: IF YOU MUST ASK YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND. 

TP: Well now that’s a cop-out, as far as I’m concerned.

NrMc: MUST WE PARSE THE NATURE OF TIME WHEN YOURS AND THAT OF YOUR WORLD IS FINISHED?

TP: See now, you’re speaking in linear terms. I’m confused.

NrMc: I SPEAK ONLY IN TERMS YOU WILL UNDERSTAND.

TP: Give me some credit here.

NrMc: THE DEAD SHALL BE RAISED. THIS IS THE BEGINNING. THE BONES UNEARTHED BY THE WHIPPING AETHER ARE ONLY THE BEGINNING. THE DEAD SHALL BE RAISED. THE LIVING WILL BE BURNT TO CINDER. THEN THE CINDER WILL GNASH.  THE MASTER IS CLOSE. DO NOT SPEAK. I SHALL RETURN YOU AFTER WE ARE FINISHED. NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN. I DESIRE NOT MY REWARD. 

TP: You don’t want your - 

NrMc: SILENCE! THE MASTER! 

————-

Well, there you have it folks, the “deal” with the Lincoln Oak Bones. Don’t forget to vote on Tuesday. 

DEXTER ELLSWORTH

EDITOR, SEER OF THAT WHICH CANNOT BE UNSEEN

harmony

here i am with a stranger,

a strange man.

no: not a stranger, and not a blind date.

it is a date with a man i met on the internet,

during time i set aside for meeting men on the internet.

he asks me if i found the place ok,

which is strange, because i suggested it.

i realize he must be nervous.

i wonder if i am nervous.

then i wonder if not, should i be? 

then i realize it doesn’t matter.

here i am.

and it doesn’t matter where you are

or what you are doing or who you are with,

because i am here with this strange man,

wasting time trying to get to know him,

and wherever you are and whomever you are with

we are wasting time, together, knowing each other at least.

and i think that is worth something.

and for whatever it is worth,

this strange man insists on paying,

so i insist on ordering champagne.

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